Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
