Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
