i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
guys are not supposed to queef...right?
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
Randomize
