cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Randomize
