According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
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