WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
So... i mean if they do have cameras in his apartment buildings pool room atleast we gave them a little show.
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize
