My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
Randomize
