I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
Randomize
