No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Randomize
