just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
