I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
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