She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
lol earlier she was acting like a normal gf... and then BANG! shes touching herself again...
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
I wish you could order shots online.
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
Randomize
