you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Randomize
