Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
I just made out with a guy for $7.
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize
