I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
Randomize
