worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
I'm too high and old for this...
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
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