If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
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