Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
Randomize
