I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
