all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
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