i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
Randomize
