Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
