cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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