I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
What drink are we having for lunch?
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
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