I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
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