***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
Randomize
