dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
Randomize
