You're a womanizer and a bitch.
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
