Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
