4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
Randomize
