I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
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