I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
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