Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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