i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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