All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
