So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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