the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
that may or may not have been my penis.
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