There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
Randomize
