I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Randomize
