You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Randomize
