so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
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