I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
Thanksgiving. A stoners favorite holiday
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
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