I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize
