we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
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