I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
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