Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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