i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
Randomize
