I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
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