I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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