I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
I molested 6 butterflies tonight
his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Randomize
